Can we talk about what is wrong with Finger Eleven these days? I remember when this band first came out a full decade ago, with a brutal sound that I can still enjoy as I sit here well into my mid-twenties. Their music used to be hard, and four-fifths of the band dressed like they just escaped from jail; nowadays, though, they’ve just turned into another alt-rock band.
Don’t believe me? Look at the music video for Drag You Down and now the one for that new song they have that I can’t be arsed to say aloud. What the hell, guys? Why are you dressing like you have jobs now? Why are you writing fucking love songs when you used to be all cryptic and weird? It’s like when Our Lady Peace stopped screeching alongside ventriloquist dummies in a desperate attempt to become uplifting, or when Nickelback decided to release How You Remind Me over and over again.
You know what it is? Check the music video for Drag You Down again. Try to spot the odd one out, there. So you have some twitchy dreadlocked fellow as the drummer; the guitarists have spiked hair and baggy pants and are prancing around like two cobras in a paint mixer; finally, the lead singer – one of many tortured bald guys that were running around at that time.
What about the bassist?
Look at this guy! He’s just there, trying not to stand out, in clothes that don’t so much evoke the image of a grungy hardened man as they do someone who’s about to head out to his job at Starbucks afterwards.
You know what I think? They’re all turning into that guy.
This is the only possible solution. I’m pretty certain that after concerts, the rest of the band must have stormed back into their dressing rooms with black smoke emerging from their skin and voices like charcoal and the bassist would just be right behind them like “C’mon guy why are we so mad all the time let’s go get a lemonade or something” and eventually they started listening to him.
I should be mad but I’m not. It’s really gotten me thinking, now. What if we have access to the world’s first X-Man? If he can mellow out a band that used to call itself The Rainbow Butt Monkeys, imagine what he can do on the battlefield. We could have the solution to the mid-east conflict right here. We should harness this power, pump it into the water supply!
You placid motherfucker, tell us your secrets!
See you next time