Monday, March 14, 2011

Let's Talk About: Sports

Good day,

                Two months back, I was reading about Mayor Rob Ford – a man whose mere name used to make my blood boil, but nowadays just leaves me constipated and tetchy – and his push to bring the NFL to Toronto. Apparently, this would mean a boost to tourism whenever the Super Bowl rolled into town, but it would also mean building another goddamn stadium in order to host a game watched by maybe 6 million Canucks and more than a third of the U.S. population.

                Now, I don’t know anything about football, or any sport that doesn’t involve someone’s heart getting ripped out for that matter, but I recently started thinking that maybe Ford had a point. Maybe a weekend of fatties belching obscenities at some of the best athletes in North America would be good for Toronto’s tourism. But before we do that, we’re going to need a team to represent Toronto.

“Wait a minute, Robert!” I hear you call out as though I just peed in the punch bowl at your wedding, “We already have a football team called The Argonauts!”
“Yes, but apparently they lose quite a bit,” I said, somehow managing to say a hyperlink out loud.

The solution is simple: we send the Argos to represent a part of the country that clearly needs a football team and we train a new one from the ground up. This will not be an Argos 2.0, but something brand-spanking new, with new players and new coaches and new (delicious) cheerleaders. Toronto’s face is changing, and we need a team that better represents a rough and ready Toronto that the U.S. public can better relate to.

                Thus I propose The Toronto War Criminals.

                Settle down, now, settle down. Yes, the name is too wordy, especially when other, catchier alternatives are around. Why not The Toronto Pariahs, or The Toronto Violators? If you’ll just put down the meat cleaver and listen for just one second, you’ll find that I have two main reasons for proposing this name.

First and foremost, sports team names are about intimidation. When you think of football teams, what do you think of? Vikings, Chiefs, Falcons, Panthers, Cowboys, Giants, Raiders, Texans, Jaguars, Bears, and, yes, Dolphins; these are all things in this world that you do not want to piss off, because they’re vicious or generally intimidating. And what’s more frightening than some nutter firebombing a hospital and then using a pregnant woman as a meatshield? Well, jellyfish that cannot die of course, but who wants to be a quarterback for The Toronto Turrittopsis Nutricula?

Secondly, professional sports are already proxy wars. Some sports have bloody histories, being the manifestations of brutal rituals (see above) while many served as entertainment within their respective kingdoms. Nowadays, however, globalization has spread sports like hockey and soccer/football to other parts of the world, inspiring nationalistic pride as people watch representatives of their homelands excel at ball kicking.

With world peace being as fragile as it is, what better way to sort out our problems than having teams representing each part of the world duke it out? Directing public anger and passion towards the athletic world does us a great service, as it gives us a means of venting tribal fury. Plus it’s impossible to look at sports riots and not be reminded of peasant revolts.

If sports are wars, then we must have war criminals, people who have taken their lust for domination to the extreme. And sports are all about the extreme, aren’t they? Well, at least they were when I last checked (in the ‘90s). Thus, the Toronto War Criminals must take the stage.

I’ve already decided on a logo; I’m thinking a pair of angry eyes staring out from behind a set of iron bars. Now, for the mascot to parade around the cheerleaders, I’m picturing a man in camouflage pants and gun belts with a knife in his teeth. Or a live baby. Or a live baby holding a knife.

This is why I couldn’t get into any of the good schools, isn’t it?

See you next time,


EDIT: May 20, 2012. Back to editing. Dressed this one up to make the points stronger.

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